6:30 a.m. Home

The constant buzz of Richard’s alarm clock breaks the silence of his bedroom.  As the sound went on, it seemed to resonate louder with each passing ring.  Awaken by the noise, Richard curses at nothing in particular, upset that his dream world was so suddenly taken away from him.  In anger, he violently slams down onto the clocks face, ending its torment.  Surrounded by darkness, he is once again met with the morning’s silence.

On his way down the hall towards the bathroom, he dwells at the fact that no one else is up at this hour.  While brushing his teeth, he hears noises coming from his fathers’ bedroom.  Normally a late riser on his off days, Richard becomes disturbed that his father is already out of bed.  In a rush to avoid him, he hops into the shower, not even bothering to take off his boxers.  The cold water hits his body, making him tense up even tighter than his anger already made him.  With a surprised look, Jason enters the bathroom.  Leaning on the door, he smiles to see his son taking responsibility in waking up early for school.

“ Good morning Rich, you’re up pretty early.  What’s up, you have something special going on in school today or what?”  Jason asks, still leaning on the door.  In the shower, Richard rolls his eyes and wishes he were still in bed.

“ Can you please flush that toilet, this water is too damn cold.”  He snaps back, ignoring what his father had asked.  Sensing the uneasiness of the moment, Jason complies and flushes the toilet.  A long silence follows in which time Jason brushes his teeth.  Finished, he turns to leave but decides to vent some of his feelings to his son.

“ This foul little attitude you have every single morning is going to stop, do you hear me?” he remarks, with the bass in his voice sending chills down Richard’s spine.  Taken by surprise, Richard recalls his actions and wonders to himself why was he acting so funny lately.  Deep down, he knew something was wrong with him, but he lacked the strength to come to terms with his problems.  Standing in the shower, a sharp pain entered his skull, adding to the pressure he already felt since he awoke.

“ Dad, I’m sorry about that.” he calmly replied as he leaned against the walls in his shower.  “ Good morning to you too.  How come you up so early anyway, isn’t this your day off?  You never wake up before 12 on your free days.”

“ I’m just trying to get an early start on an already perfect day.  What’s your excuse?”

“ My week has just been so rough, I’m stressed out beyond belief dad.  I didn’t even want to wake up this early, but that damn clock got a mind of its own.  I don’t even remember going to bed, so I’m not sure if I set it this early or what.  I’m just lost pops, you gotta excuse me.”  He peeks his head out from behind the curtains to see his father.  He notices how cheerful his father’s face appeared, something he hasn’t seen in a long time.

Jason looks at his son and realizes he has not paid any attention to him in a long time.  He notices the age marks on Richards’ face and was amazed at how old he appeared.  The person he saw staring at him from that shower couldn’t be his son, he thought to himself.  Jason found it abnormal for someone so young to already look so haggard.  What on earth was going on in his son’s life that he didn’t know about?  Upset with himself, Jason suddenly felt despair for his son.

“ DAD!  You ok?”  Richard screams, startling Jason.  He looks around as if awaken from a dream.  Puzzled, Richard gives his father a stare that made him feel nothing but embarrassment.

“ Sorry Rich, just have a lot of things on my mind right now, didn’t mean to ignore you.” he says, covering up for himself.  Feeling ashamed, Jason turns to finally leave the bathroom.

“  Rich, let me know when you done in here ok.  Janice and I are going out for breakfast today.” he says before exiting the room.  Richard dropped his soap as he heard Janice’s name mentioned.  A mixture of shock and anguish took over his body as he completed his shower.

With his skin still wet from the shower, Richard slowly walks towards his fathers’ bedroom.  Softly, he hears the voice of a woman coming from the room and immediately he knew who it was.  With anger, he vigorously knocks on the door and screams at the top of his lungs.

“ I’m finished with the shower!” he says.

Opening the door just a crack, Jason peers out to see Richard storming towards his bedroom.  Not understanding exactly what all the noise was about, he steps outside in an attempt to talk.  He calls for him, but Richard ignores his pleas and heads for his bedroom.  Once inside, he violently slams the door and loudly turns on his television.

Richard was almost finished getting dressed when his father walked into his bedroom.  Without asking, Jason finds the remote and turns the television volume down to a pleasant level.  Still a little puzzled, he takes a seat on the bed and silently gives his son a glare.

“ She stayed the night dad, didn’t you just meet this lady like last week?  I mean, don’t you think that’s kinda fast?” he asks, breaking the silence between them.

“ Yes she stayed the night son and no I don’t think this is fast.  I think we are mature to know what kind of pace is good for both of us.  Is that what all of this is about?”  Richard stood silent for a while, and that only angered Jason.  Without a word, he rose off the bed to leave the room when Richard decided to finally answer him.

“ It’s only been a year you know.  If you ask me, you are moving too fast.  I still feel her in this house; but if you’re comfortable having company in the house, do what you gotta do.  I gotta finish getting ready for class.” he replied.

The comments rang in Jason’s ear as he left the room, without a word to his son.  In the hallway, he began to think about his beautiful wife, and how tragically he’d lost her.  The pain will forever be with him, but being alone only made it worse.  At this point he felt it was the right time to move on, but he never thought about the way his children might feel.  The last thing he ever wanted to do was make his sons’ life anymore difficult than it already was.  Wary after the little episode in his sons’ bedroom, Jason enters the bathroom where Janice has already begun her shower.

8:15 a.m. Home

The aroma of coffee and toast made its way from the kitchen into every other room in the house.  As pleasant as the smell was, it had no effect on changing the way Richard felt.  The morning’s rough start already made him wish he hadn’t awakened today.  The depressed feeling he had was now becoming a constant thing.  Underneath his bed he stored various pamphlets on teenage depression, its symptoms, and all other things related which suddenly became of interest to him.  He was curious to see what experts had to say on the issue, but the things he read he just could not see in himself.

Downstairs he could hear the voices of his father and Janice, joking and laughing aloud.  To his surprise Rebecca, his older sister, was home from college.  Although he would usually rejoice at her return, listening to the enjoyment she had with Janice made him want nothing but distance in between them.  In his room he stood and stared with a disconcerting look as he peered through his closet.  The disdain he felt towards his own wardrobe at times made him hate going to school, and today was no different.  After searching, he finally chose an outfit his girlfriend had bought him for his birthday last month.   Now ready for school, he took some time to stare at himself in the mirror.

“ Richard, you gonna be late for class, it’s 8:40!  Get your stuff and catch a ride with us.” his father shouts from the bottom of the stairs.

“ Nah dad, go on without me, I’m not even ready yet.” he replies, feeling guilty for the lie.  Richard knew there was no way he could make it in time for his first class, but he desperately wanted to be by himself.  Sitting on his bed, he listens as his father run up the stairs, wondering what will come next this morning.

“ Hey,” Jason says with his head poked through the open door. “ you ok?  You look tired and dreary, are you sick or something?” he asks his son with genuine concern.  At this point, Richard could feel a pain in the pit of his stomach as he tried to answer his father.  He wanted so bad to tell him how he was truly feeling, how he feels alone, and tired every single minute.  All of his frustrations sat in his stomach waiting to be dispelled.  Before he could utter a word, the car horn blasts through the air, startling the both of them.

“ I’m fine dad, I just wanted to walk to school today.  The day is beautiful and I never take the time to see it.  Besides, you got people waiting on you, you better hurry.”

“ Yeah.  Your sister is home, but I’m taking her to breakfast with us.  She told me to give you a punch, but I’ll hold on to it for you.”  They share a smile as Jason walks into the room.  He hugs his son, sensing that he really needed one at the time.

“ Come to me if you need to talk, you beginning to turn into a ghost in here.” he whispers into Richard’s ear.  With a nod, Richard agrees before sitting back down on his bed.  In a slight haste, Jason exits the room.  From the bottom of the staircase Richard can hear him scream out some instructions to him, but his mind was somewhere else.  As the car leaves the driveway, Richard stands by the window and watches.

11:30a 3rd period Calculus

The walk to school did some good towards Richard’s down-trodden attitude.  Before her death, his mother always encouraged him to walk or jog whenever possible.  Upon reaching to school late, the security guards at the door gave him a hard time.  By this time however, he was already in a better mood so it was easy for him to ignore their nasty attitudes.

While in class Richard sat ignoring most of his professors’ lecture.  During his earlier years of school, Richard was a grade A student, much to the delight of his family and teachers.  Adolesence, with all of its drama and hardships, has taken whatever joy Richard had in attending school.  His slipping grades had become a major concern by his parents before his mother’s passing.

As his teacher lectured on about derivatives, Richard sat and stared in wonderment at Marisa, his girlfriend of 10 months.  They have both known each other since the beginning of their sophomore year in high school, but it was only last summer that he decided to ask her out.  His feelings for her were apparent to all of her friends, and many joked they would be the uncontested winners for class couple.  Thinking of her always made him smile, on the inside where it counts the most.

Before he had made it to his seat at the beginning of class, a note from Marisa was placed on his desk.  Already relieved by his spring morning walk, he felt only good things were coming his way today.  While opening the letter, his anxiety built up as to what the letter read.  ‘ Was she mad I hadn’t called her all weekend?’ he thought to himself.  On the paper read only four words, ” We need to talk.”  Sensing how serious this might be, Richard spent the rest of the period anxiously wanting to have this meeting.

12:30p 2nd floor stairwell

Nervous, Richard paced up and down the isolated staircase waiting for Marisa.  He hated the way he felt at the moment, as if some unstoppable force was out to consume him.  In his mind he thought about Marisa, and how well their relationship had been up until this point.  As he turned around to head back up the stairs, Marisa appeared suddenly at the top.

” Hey baby, what’s up?  I missed you all weekend.” he said, quickly walking up the stairs to give her a hug and kiss.  Marisa accepted the hug, but pulled herself back from the kiss.  This move alerted Richard that something was wrong and instead of beating around the bush any longer, he decided to call her out.

” What’s wrong with you Mari, you upset with me ’bout something?” he asks.  He notices how hard she tries to keep eye contact at a minimum, so in a similar move, he backs away from her.

” Rich, I’ve been thinking for some time how to really approach you about this but I realized there is no ‘right time’ to say this.” she says in one breath, looking truly saddened.  ” You’re really a nice guy and I love that about you, but lately you’ve been acting so different to me.  You’ve been so distant that sometimes I forget I have a boyfriend.”  The news shocks and simultaneously upsets Richard, and Marisa begins to see it in his face.

” What do you mean distant,  we talk like every night!” he replies in a slightly aggravated tone.

” No we don’t talk every night Rich.  We may be on the phone together, but I’d hardly say we communicate.”

” So this is what you made me cut class to talk about baby, that we don’t talk!” he says with a slight smirk.

” I get the feeling that a lot is going on in your life right now, and that you need someone.  I sat to the side for a while waiting, hoping that you’ll come to me for the support I thought you needed.  But you never came.” she says.  A short silence rests between the both of them before Marisa finished her thoughts.

” I think we should both take a break from this relationship until we are sure that this is what we want, or need.” she finally says before tears came to her eyes.

” What?!  How the hell will that solve anything?  Look, I admit that maybe I’ve been acting different lately, but you can’t leave me for that!”

” Rich, we are not the same people we were 10 months ago.  Shit, we not even the same people we were 5 months ago.  You’ve made me feel so unwanted, so unimportant to you, like I was a stranger in your life.  Whatever love we had, I don’t feel that anymore.  All I feel is lonliness.”  The statement hurt Richard more than he realized.  When he spoke, he failed in trying to hide the anger he felt.

” You know what, I don’t need all this hassle.  You wanna break up, or catch a breather, or whatever, go right ahead.  I got too much going on now to have to deal with this shit.” he blasts as he turns to head down the stairs.

” See, that’s what I mean Rich.  How am I supposed to be there for you if you won’t let me in?  I -” she screams before getting cut off.

” Marisa,” he says looking back at his teary eyed ex-girlfriend. ” just do me a favor and call me Richard for now on, ain’t a damn thing rich about my life.”  Ignoring her calls, Richard continues down the stairs until he reaches the exit, ending his school day.

3:03p Mario’s Pizzeria

Clarissa, a waitress at the pizzeria Richard decides to have lunch at, takes note of Richard’s order and directs him to a booth seat.  During his wait, Clarissa glances over at him occasionally, noticing his obvious troubles.  While in college, she had spent many hours working at her school’s student crisis center, so Richard’s current state was familiar to her.  When his sicilian slice with extra cheese was ready, Clarissa prepared his tray and walked it over to him.

” You ok?” she inquires as Richard sits with his head resting on the table.  Not feeling up to a conversation, Richard gets ready to accept his food impolitely until he’s met by her warm, pleasant smile.  Unable to act so callously, he returns the smile and takes his tray.

” I’m ok, just going through a lot of things and it’s becoming a little bit overwhelming.  Does it show?”

” Yeah, just a little” she replies, never loosing the smile.  ” Listen, you look like you need someone with a good ear to sit next to you and help you through things.  Fortunately for you, I have two great ears.  If you need or want to talk, just let me know ok.  I can’t stand to see a little cutie like you sit here and suffer.” she says to a blushing Richard.  As she began to walk away towards the register, Richard calls out to her softly.

” I … I think I do need someone to talk to right now.” he says.

3:30p Mario’s Pizzeria

” It’s funny, lately I’ve been feeling so down and depressed.  I can’t exactly say when it started, but I know I’ve been acting different recently.  This morning for example, I felt so alone in my house …” his voice trails off as he finishes his second slice.  Clarissa sits across from him, taking in every word he speaks.

” Can I call you Rich?” she asks, flashing her smile once again to Richard’s delight.  With a little bit of reluctance, Richard nods ‘yes’.  ” Why do you think you’ve been acting different all of a sudden?”

” I don’t know why, I just know I do.  Everywhere I turn I feel like I’m an outsider, like I’m the only one going through this in the entire world.”

” But that’s not true Rich, and you know it.  At your age, it’s kinda normal to have these feelings, in my opinion.  To tell you the truth, for most of us as we get older, those feelings of loneliness never really go away.” she replies.

” I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think what I’m feeling, the things I’m thinking about, can be normal for kids my age.  I mean, is it normal to dream about your own death?  To dream about your funeral, and to go even as far as to who you hope will be there or not.  I doubt other kids in my class, let alone this state are thinking about these things.  The biggest thing on their minds is the prom, or what college to attend.”  Clarissa sits in silence as Richard continues to vent out his frustrations.  She notices that now he is becoming more animated as he progresses through his thoughts.

” I feel no connection to my family, not one ounce.  I have no friends to call my own, all the people I used to chill with were really friends with my girlfriend.  And I don’t even have one of those anymore, she left me mainly because I’ve been acting so ‘distant’ as she put it.”  He takes a deep breathe before he completes his thoughts.  ” I really think things would be better off if I wasn’t around.” he says in a much calmer, almost sleepy tone.

” Rich, you don’t mean that do you?” Clarissa asks, worried that he might have been serious by the comment.  A bit of frustration takes a hold on her when Richard lets her question go unanswered.  Finally, after a tense couple of minutes, he responds.

” Sometimes I think life for my father would be better that way.  Ever since my mother died -” he stops himself as he heard the words he had just spoken.  Tears start to form around his eyes and no matter how hard he tried to keep them at bay, he knew this was a fight he never won.

” My mother is dead.” he says sounding choked while the tears slowly run down the side of his face.  ” Ever since she left us, things have been so hard.”

” Rich, do you honestly think your death will make things any easier?” she asks, informing him that she knew what he had meant by his earlier statement.  ” You look to me like a very smart 17 year old boy.  Let me clarify that, you’re basically a man, and I think you know better than that.  College is just around the corner, a whole new chapter in life is about to start.  Trust me, I know you must be feeling like the world is against you now, but that is only temporary.  My daddy, God rest his soul, once told me that suicide was a coward’s way out of struggle.  To me, you don’t look like a coward.”  They both sit in silence for a while, letting the words float all around them.

” Listen, my break is kinda done and -” she says before he cuts her off.

” Oh, I’m sorry for keeping you so long from ya job!” he says with a sympathetic look.  She returns it with a smirk just as powerful as her smile.

” It’s no problem at all, but like I was saying, we are not done talking yet.  I’m going to leave you with my home phone number; if at any time you need to talk to me, just call.” she advises.  With the number, she also gives Richard a kiss on his forehead.  She never had the chance to grow up with a younger sibling, so within the few minutes of time she spent with Richard, she had already grown quite fond of him.

“Be safe Rich, please.

” I will Clarissa, and thank you.  You have no idea how much you’ve helped me today.”

6:30p Home

The day had not gone as planned for Jason.  What was supposed to be his day off turned into a one prolonged visit to his offices.  The breakfast and day of rest never came, therefore, he was extremely glad that he could spend tonight out with Janice and her parents.  He was amazed at how nervous he felt about meeting her parents for the first time.  To him, this meant that things were moving in a positive direction for their relationship, and this excited him greatly.

Hearing his father in the bathroom, Richard rushes in to meet with him.  When he reaches through, he stands and watches his father shave in the mirror over the sink.  They both exchange a glance in the mirror, then continue their silence.  Finally, Richard talks to his father.

” Dad, we need to have a serious talk.” he says.  Jason knew this moment was months in the making, but being pressed for time made this an inappropiate time to talk.  He desperately did not want to make a bad impression on Janice’s parents by being late to their dinner date.

” Sure kid, I always got a minute or two for my only son.  Jay can wait.  What’s up?” replied Jason as he washed his face off.

” Lately I’ve been feeling kinda, I don’t know how to explain it.  It’s like sometimes I …”  Richard stands, looking confused not knowing how to express himself in the correct way.  Behind him, Janice silently stands looking at the two of them.  Once Richard realizes that she is there, he becomes startled at her presence.  ” Is there something we can help you with miss?” Richard rudely remarks towards Janice.  Before she could speak, Jason quickly becomes annoyed with his son’s foul attitude.

” Watch who you are talking to like that Rich, have some respect for Jay.” he blasts at his son.

” Why should I.  She’s not respecting me.  I’m trying to talk to you and here she is anxiously hurrying me along.  Why she gotta be right here for, all up under me?” he screams back at his father.

” I told you already I’m getting sick and tired of this fucking attitude of yours Rich.  I have no idea what is going on with you.  All of a sudden you’re acting like this total different child.”

” Take the time to find out who I am today dad, do a better job and maybe you wouldn’t be in the dark.  No, instead you spending all your time disrespecting my mother in this house every God damn second you have this woman in here.  You don’t know who I am anymore because you choose to want to know her more than me.  That’s the bottom line.”  Richard finishes his tirade and storms to his room, leaving both Janice and Jason standing in front of the bathroom.  Later on, before they leave, Jason stops in his son’s room to have a final word before he leaves.

” When I get home, we have a lot to talk about.” he says to Richard who is laying in bed.

” Whatever dad, don’t break any schedules, or give me any special time now that you think something is wrong with me.  It’s kinda too late for your help.” he says without making any eye contact to his father.

” We’ll finish this when I get home.” he says sternly before closing the door.

9:45p Home

Richard sits on the floor in his room, feeling even more depressed than he can remember from past days.  He could smell the dinner his sister made before she left the house, but the urge to eat was just not there.  Although tired, he was not sleepy; he had no desire to sleep, or to be awake.  Noticing how dirty his room was, he begins to clean.  Just as he started to get into it, the phone rang loudly, startling him.  From the caller I.D. he knew it was Marisa calling, but he was not in the mood to talk to her, or anyone, except for maybe Clarissa.  He searched his pockets for her number, but thought better about calling her.  As he picked up one of his comic books which as hidden under a load of dirty clothes, a picture of him and his mother fell onto the floor.  He stared at it for a while as the tears slowly began to drop once again.

” Mommy, I need you.  Nobody around here understands me like you did.  I have no one.  It’s not like when you was around, I always had you.  Daddy hasn’t changed.  He still only makes time for himself, something I knew drove you crazy.  And to top everything off, to make matters even worst than they are, I didn’t get into any college I wanted.  I haven’t told dad yet, because I don’t want him to see me as a bigger disappointment than he must already see me as.  I’m so sorry mommy, I’m so sorry.  I’m lost without you.”  Richard falls to his knees as he clenches the picture tighter.  The tears turn from drips to a pouring stream as he continues to speak to his mother.

” I wish I was with you mommy.  Nobody here needs me.  Daddy got Janice now.  I have no real friends, and the only person I really felt anything for, left me.  This lady told me today that suicide was a coward’s way out.  But you’re not a coward mommy.  I still haven’t told anyone how I helped you through you’re pain.  But who’s gonna help me now?  I’m feeling the same pain.”

10:55p Eisenhower Park

” Hello, can I speak to Clarissa please?  This is Richard.” he says to the man who answered the phone.  He sits on the bench, clenching a shoebox, as he waited for Clarissa to answer.  The night time air was cool on his neck, reminding him of some of life’s more beautiful occurrences.

” Hey Rich, what’s up?  I see you didn’t lose my number.  How are you?” she asks, sounding tired.

” I just called to thank you.  You really helped me.” he said.  Clarissa accepted the thanks, but was ignored as Richard continued to talk.

” Your father was wrong though.  For some of us, suicide is our only way out.  My mommy was going through the same types of feelings as I’m going through right now.  Everyday after she was abruptly fired, I saw her get worst and worst.  My father wrapped himself up in his job so much, I think he was just trying to ignore what was going on at home, but I saw.  One night while he was at work late, I walked into their bedroom to find my mother laying on the bed crying her eyes out.  In one hand was a razor, and her wrists were red.  I was so scared, I grabbed the razor and threw it away.  I hated seeing her crying.  She begged me to leave her alone, to let her do this, but I couldn’t.”  On the other end, Clarissa sat, stunned and in shock.  It took all that she had to fight back the tears of sorrow and empathy she had for what poor little Richard had been through.

” After a while, I realized that if I loved my mother, I had to help her release the pain.  I found some pills in the bathroom, and…” he fell silent.  After sniffing and wiping away the tears, he continued.  ” I gave her so many pills, I knew that’s what she wanted.  I sat and watched her take dose, after dose, after dose.  Eventually the medicine cabinet was empty and she layed down to sleep.  The last thing she told me was that one day, I’d understand that night, and that I’d see that what she had done, what we had done, was right.” he ended as abruptly as he had begun the story.  Sensing that he might be close to doing something tragic, Clarissa pleaded with him to calm down.

” Richard, don’t do something stupid ok.  Think about all of the people that love you now.  Think about -.”  Her words go unheard as Richard speaks as if she were silent.

” Clarissa, don’t think tonight was your fault ok.  I knew what I had to do before I met you.  I just now got the courage to make the same decision my mother made.  This might be loud Clarissa, you might want to put you phone down now.”  Speechless, Clarissa had no idea how to react to Richard’s words.  Just as her voice came back to her, one loud gun shot rang loud in her ear through the phone.  She screamed both from the sound and from the realization of what had just happened.  But Richard could not hear her screams, because his pain had finally met its last day.